Self sufficiency

 My whole life, well, ever since can remember, have been keen to be able to do everything myself, without having to rely on others.  This is because, when rely on others, something generally breaks down in the process.  This breakdown could be no fault of either party, just something happened, but yet impacts view of the people we relied on.  This has been my religious belief up until now.

This is one of the main steps I need to overcome, mentally, and is a key part of The Meaning, and also a key piece in my self improvement.  Not truly sure what kicked off my need to be a fully self contained unit, maybe something in childhood, maybe past life experiences, really unsure.  It has persisted my whole life, not being able to open up, always building a wall around myself, not letting anything, or anyone, in, and very rarely letting anything out.

Some of the recent turning points was when jotted down The Meaning, as well as loss of both my cats, my companions for 18 (or so) years, Pia (Pia 2) and Mia., and some recent legal items.  These life events were very substantial (at least to me), in that have never experienced them before.  I've always insulated myself from things, and people, so that would never experience the ups and downs like have on this trip so far.  I couldn't deny the emotions that crept over me, or more like flooded me.

There was a specific word thought of several days ago when came to this realization that we can't be self sufficient in everything we do, yet can't recall it now.  We need support, we need to ask people, we need a lot of things that one person cannot fully provide.  Examples would be diaper changing (infancy), work (for most people), any relationships, and pets.

If I wasn't so bent on being the only one I can depend on, there are a lot of things that would be different in my life right now.  But, this all boils down to some mental blocks that are still holding me back from being able to rely on others.  Scatter is helping me immensely with this as we speak.  He is doing things Pia and Mia would do, but I would always push them away, yet I accept him.  It's strange how this all works.

I don't think this holding back is due to trust issues, as I really do trust most people, probably more than I should.  It's now a matter of retrieving the mental blockage, acknowledging what happened, then releasing and letting it go.  It's simple as that, but the first key is memory, remembering and unlocking it...


Now it's time to find the key....

Image taken from this blog post.