Saturday, January 18, 2014


Some people always forget this.  Some people have never experienced this.  Timing is everything and figured would share this quote from something I saw on Google+

"The best things in life aren't material "things".  They are moments, feelings, lessons, faith, emotions, discoveries, and truths"

This quote highlights one of the things I will be achieving from this journey, as I identified when wrote The Meaning.  This post is also in regards to the passing of Pia.  As mentioned, have received her remains, and one of the steps which I need to do, for myself, and to honor Pia, is to write this post, much of which is outside my comfort zone by quite a bit.

One of the things which I need to experience, and have experienced some of now, is loss.  While loss is in everyone's life, some people insulate themselves more so than others.  And some people experience it at different times in life, under different circumstances.

Front paw print
This is a first for me.  Have experienced loss of pets before, but when I was knee high to a grasshopper and didn't really know much.  Nothing, EVER, has impacted me this much.

Paw print and pin
Unsure why, but have never been able to show true emotions before.  Still not fully sure of all the emotions out there which await me.  Not sure I want to know sometimes, but know I must.  However, they will all come in due time, at the right time, at the time which is most important, and impactful, for me to learn. Some things we cannot rush, and the things we cannot rush are the most important in life (in my view).

Closeup of pin
This is the first time, since I was knee high to a grass hopper, which I shed genuine tears and cried like a baby.  Not just once, but several times.  Truly never knew I really had that in me.  I would attempt to call these manly tears, but I have hard time calling myself that.  Not that I'm not one, but in order to get that I feel have to experience the meaning of this journey.  Am one step closer, the emotions, the grieving process, all things have not experienced before.

Pin and card
After she passed in my arms, and after the "talk" with the doctor who saw her last breath, I had to go to the RV to retrieve my card (to pay for the cremation).  It was all I could do to stop whimpering like a school girl as opened door to walk across the parking lot.  The emotions just welled up and it was extremely difficult controlling them during walk to RV.  It was almost like the walk of shame after leaving a place of ill repute, but vastly different.

Nicely wrapped up
Most guys don't really talk about things like this, it seems like it's a taboo topic among men really.  This is another part of what I must do on this journey of mine.  I must open myself up, hard as it might be, as it's part of the meaning. This is all encompassing for most of what I do, and what I post.  When I truly realize what wrote there, once have figured it out, will spread the word.

Cedar box containing remains
After the talk, after the walk, soon as got to the RV, and before looking for the card, immediately went to the rear, where the bed is, and flopped right down, teary eyes and all, hoping to just take a breather.

Enclosed thing
However, soon as body touched the bed, the flood gates opened and there was nothing I could do to stop flow of emotions.  I just laid there, for a minute or two, simply sobbing uncontrollably.  Nothing I could do to stop what was happening.  This is something which had to happen, for me, for my growth, and for Pia.

Once had regained my composure, straightened things up and found my card, went inside to settle everything up.  On the way was trying to dry my eyes and control myself.  Once things were squared away everything was a little better.

Certificate, it's official.
I had requested a final viewing of her body, just me and her, prior to going to RV.  Soon as got back asked them to disregard as it didn't feel right, plus I was a sobbing mess to begin with, and viewing her one more time would've made it much, much worse.  I had already honored her presence, her life, and her passing, in the way which felt right at the time.

Small lock and tag with her name
At some point in this process, and just now while typing this out, I actually felt my throat constricting, making it little harder to breathe and little painful too.  Unsure if this means anything, maybe she's haunting me already.  Err, I mean, with me already.

Cedar box with lock and tag
After settling up, headed back to RV and, just for giggles, tried to turn the water heater on (to help clean and wash some things off), and to my surprise, it turned on first thing.  Some people, most people, would think that it would be a normal thing.  However, it typically takes at least a day after parking someplace before it works.  Even now, having been in this one spot for close to a week, it still takes several times to make it light, using gas.  Something I need to fix.  I think, and believe, that Pia had something to do with this.  Maybe I'm mistaken, maybe I'm not, it's difficult to tell what's true and what's not, especially when we don't, won't, and can't, understand everything which happens.

Open box with remains
While waiting for heater to heat up, cleaned up her last act in the RV, when her bladder let go. Opened up windows, turned on exhaust fan, and did what could to remove the unique odor.  After doing that just had to sit in the drivers seat, where she was last, hang my head on the steering wheel and take it all in.  Some emotions were gripping me, lots of lactoferrin was leaving me, lots of things which had never experienced were happening to me.

Lessons were being learned and foundations were being formed, as was truly in a surreal place.  Stayed like this for many minutes, soaking it all in.

When felt it was time, unsteadily got up and wandered to the shower.  It was strangely surreal.  While in the shower Pia would wander up and wait for me to come out.  As towel off, put towel on floor to step onto, then dry off the feet, typically she would always get in my way.  It was not the case this time.

Empty cedar box, remains removed
After the shower, up until four days prior, she would always hop into the shower after I finished, and start licking up the water.  Unsure why, but doesn't matter now.

Note inside the front cover
Dried up, put on clothes again (TMI for sure), and headed off to the rally.  It was very tough to say goodbye at this stage, to turn the key and start the engine, knowing that Pia wouldn't run scurrying for a "safe" place to be.

Pia, in all her glory

One of the hardest parts about this was went to bed for the night.  She was my sleeping buddy.  Would always, even when she got in trouble, attempt to crawl under the covers as if nothing happened.  No matter how upset I got it was almost like there was forgiveness, or forgetfulness.  This is one of the lessons which have learned. Love always as we don't miss them till they're gone.


It was equally hard to wake up as she would always be resting on me in some form or another, either on my chest, between my legs, or laying next to me.  Always in some form of contact.

Back in place, with imitation rose, and real feelings

So, it is with a lightened heart, and uplifted spirits, that I celebrate Pia's life.  For it is her who has helped me realize quite a few things.  Everything happens for a reason, for both me and her!

Safely in place

With crystal to keep her vibrations

For those that have expressed I don't share enough, and for those who wish to analyze everything under the sun, and then some, it is for you why I went into such depth and detail.  May the wheels turn, conclusions form, for things which I don't yet know.

For it is a real man who, among other things, can share emotions in a respectful manner. This is my goal for what have done here.